Farming and Parenting in Stages

Heidi's Note, from 2020: We have now entered the super fun: tiny sheets of paper everywhere in the house stage, all of which "I need to keep for a craft I'm doing, mom." Whhhyyyy so much paper?

Writings from August 2017, when the Future Farmer (FF) is 2.5 years old.

The first few years of a child's life seem to be all about stages. There's the "Not sleeping through the night" stage, and "Finally sleeping through the night" stage. There's "sitting on their own" and "crawling" and "walking" and "talking", etc etc etc. Then somewhere between two and three years old the stages stop, and it seems everything is supposed to be encapsulated in the term "Terrible Twos" or "Threenager." I've taken the liberty of breaking this beautiful crazy time down into further manageable stages, for your help and use (or for you to laugh hysterically at me, mom).


Life: -The super fun "I need to carry 17 toys with me at all times, including a giant stuffed animal larger than I am, gifted to me by an obviously childless uncle who doesn't remember the time he carried around an enormous stuffed monster for 4 months." stage Followed closely by: -The "stop carrying the toys as soon as we leave the house so that mom has to carry them." stage. -The "take 15 freaking minutes to choose one toy when mom loses her %*$& and says you can only bring one toy" stage. Note: This increases to 25 minutes if toddler knows mom is running late or is anxious to get out the door. -The "I must do all things by myself such as climbing into my carseat and putting on my own shoes." Please note: This is an entirely normal and healthy developmental stage. But does it have to come part and parcel with the inverse relation between how quickly they'll complete the task related to how quickly you need to get out the door??????? -The handy but pretty narcissistic "Happiest looking at videos and pictures of myself on the phone" stage. (Handy when waiting at doctor's offices and restaurants and you've exhausted every hand game and can't sing "The Grand Old Duke of Pork" -- yes, that's what it is called in our house -- anymore.)


Eating: -The "drinking out of puddles like a dog" stage. -The "I now recognize the Tim Hortons sign and do not think you're going through the drive thru without getting me a Timbit stage." (New parents: Some of the best advice I was given was to go through the drive thru as much as you can while they're too young to care. Once they know what a drive thru is, you're euchered as soon as they hear that tinny "Welcome to...." -The "All of Nothing" Eating Stage: One day it's the "Eating everything in sight, and especially the food on mommy's plate because her egg apparently has more nutrients" stage (It could also be because if I crack a yolk, I give that one to her -- mommy's sweet revenge). The next 3.9 days it's the "Make my parents seriously concerned because I go the entire day on two bites of Dad's Nutella sandwich, 7 fishy crackers and a raisin I found in the no man's land crevices of the car seat" stage.


Clothing: -The "I will choose my own clothing" stage. This includes: "I will choose my own shoes and if they happen to be the same set (a minor miracle), I will inevitably put the on the wrong feet. Every. Single. Time" stage. (This relates to the "Do not try to help me or correct me stage because this is clearly the way I want to wear my shoes" stage) -The worrisome "My ensemble will in no way make sense for the weather outside" stage. (I want to wear fleece sweaters and snow pants when it's 30C outside. I'll wear your sundresses when it's minus 10C. Duh.). -The hilarious to other people "I will choose clothes entirely unsuited for the event" stage (ie. party dresses to the barn and barn clothes everywhere else). -The totally normal for everyone who has parented a toddler, but still worth mentioning "I will choose whatever I feel like wearing with no thought for matching of colours, styles, patterns, fabrics or even clothing types -- yes, I will wear that dress over jeans" stage.


Bedtimes: -The "I will be totally adorable while playing with my friends leading up to naptime so that I convince you that it's okay to skip naptime just this once, only to morph into a tyrannical, screaming monster at exactly two minutes past the point of no return so mom questions her sanity and whether she should have ever been allowed to even have children (Maybe China has the right idea and you should have to get a permit?), and mom further checks clock, mentally recalculating the earliest child can be put down for nighttime without child awakening mother at 4:30 am next morning" stage. (Mom's note: This is a moot point. Child will not be going down until past her regular bedtime, because that's the universe's punishment, and also, child has unlimited energy from aforementioned 7 fishy crackers and raisin.) -The "NASA like checklist of items and procedures in order to get child to sleep" stage. 17 stuffed animals? Check. Each one meticulously placed around child, in an ever changing order based on which one she likes best that second? Check. Old and completely random baby blanket that was hunted down from a diaper box of things mom finally thought she could pack away because child hadn't looked at it in 28 of her 30 months but is now apparently absolutely essential to sleep? Check. Water at exactly 17C to wet obviously dry and parched lips? Check. Harry Potter's Wand, Heart of TeFiti, Dead Sea Scrolls, Ark of the Covenant, Blackbeard's Treasure and Amelia Earhart's plane? Check. Perfect room temperature and trained crickets playing Beethoven's Second Symphony? Check. "Well, now I'm not tired, Mommy." (Mommy's reply, full of wisdom and passed down from her mother is "Well I"M TIRED OF YOU!!!!!")


Please note: These stages do not come in a particular order, but many come fast at furious on the heels of each other so that all happen in a particular day.

To be covered in a later post: Toilet Training, Meltdowns, Messes, Playing with other children, etc. I was going to cover them in this post, but my naked daughter is tugging on my arm, insisting that she needs "cheese and porridge." Yes, she means together.


In case you didn't believe me about the outfits.




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